


Pride

by w_s



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Barisi - Freeform, Bisexual, Coming Out, F/M, Homophobia, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-28
Updated: 2016-10-12
Packaged: 2018-08-18 08:26:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 3,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8155619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/w_s/pseuds/w_s





	1. Chapter 1

A cloud of steam billowed out of the door before Barba, clad in only a towel, emerged. He ran in his hand through his still wet and messy hair and headed towards the kitchen where a fresh pot of coffee was waiting. Needing at least a little caffeine to be functional he took a few sips of coffee before returning to his bedroom. Before he started to comb his hair, always the first step of his morning routine after the shower and coffee, he took a moment to look at the man lying in his bed. It had been three months but it still didn’t seem right that Detective Dominick “Sonny” Carisi was lying half naked in his bed. Barba couldn’t help but smile as the man in his bed began to stir a bit.   
Unlike Barba, Carisi did not get up early, rather he rolled out of bed at the last possible moment. Barba couldn’t help but be impressed at how quickly Carisi could get ready. Within twenty-minutes Carisi could go from sleeping to being showered, dressed, and out the door and he looked good. Well, his fashion sense had gotten a lot better since he first arrived at SVU thanks to his sister Theresa insistence and Carisi's uncontrollable need to try and impress Barba the ill-fitting suits had been replaced with nicely tailored ones with ties that didn't look as though Carisi's Dad had bought them before the detective had even been born. Barba shook his head, started to get ready, and tried to ignore the man asleep in his bed.   
When Carisi emerged from the bedroom Barba was sitting at the island drinking his third cup of coffee and going over case notes. “Morning,” Carisi flashed his goofy grin and went for the coffee pot. Being a cop and in night school for the past few years meant that he was no stranger to coffee but his consumption levels had sky-rocketed since he had been with Barba.   
“You’re wearing my tie.” Barba's voice was flat.   
“Huh?” Carisi looked down at the black and white striped tie. “Oh, sorry. I just grabbed one. Thought it was mine.” Carisi shrugged. His wardrobe might have gotten better but he still didn't pay much attention to his clothes. His sister had made him buy clothes that fit right and couldn't be wear in pretty much any combination.   
“You can’t wear my tie.” Barba's voice said firmly. His face was set with determination.   
“Jeez, I’m not going to ruin it.” Carisi chuckled.   
“You can't wear my tie. What if someone notices?”  
“It’s not that distinctive of a tie.” Carisi mumbled but he took it off anyways. He reappeared a minute later with a skinny black tie on instead. “I gotta go, I told the Lieu I would be in early.”


	2. Chapter 2

A loud knock startled Sonny, who had fallen asleep on the couch watching the Yankees game, awake. He moaned and stumbled towards his door. He assumed it was his one of his neighbours looking to borrow something. He was incredibly surprised to find Rafael standing on the other side of the door. Barba had never bene in Sonny’s apartment. The only reason that he knew where it was is because they had shared a cab a couple of times and Sonny got let off first. He didn’t know how Barba knew which apartment to go to or how he got into the building but he wasn’t surprised that he managed it. That man could talk his way into just about anything.  
“Uh hey, come in.” Sonny said standing aside to let other man into his apartment. “Do you want something to drink? I have beer and … well that’s it.” Carisi pulled out two bottles of beer, popped the tops and handed one to Barba. Barba couldn’t remember the last time he drank cheap beer out of a bottle. He took a moment to look around the detective’s apartment. It was a small bachelor that was nothing special which was indicative of a man who was working but had just put himself through law school and lived in New York. He kept it nice though. In one corner, under the window, was his bed, a small twin, neatly made with a bedside table and a little privacy partition. The kitchen was little more than a counter, stove and one fridge across one wall, a little round wooden table made up the dining area, and then was the living room; a couch that looked like it had been in the Carisi family for generations, a chipped wooden coffee table covered in newspapers and TV. It was nothing special but Barba liked it – there was character. Barba liked that he could tell Carisi lived there.  
The two men sat on opposite ends of the couch sipping beer in silence. “So, I don’t wanna be rude but I guess I’m just wondering … why are you here?”  
“I can’t stop by your apartment? You’re at mine all the time.”  
“No you can it’s just you never have.” Carisi shrugged. “I’m glad you’re here though.”  
“Have you eaten?”  
“No, I kind of just crashed when I got home. Why, you want to go somewhere? There’s this pizza place a couple blocks away that you have to try.”  
“Do they deliver?”  
“Nah, it’s like one guy who works there. But it’s close.”  
“Why don’t we just order in? Anywhere you want, my treat.” Barba offered. Carisi sighed, finished his beer and walked to the kitchen. “So, what do you want?”  
“I want to go out to dinner with my boyfriend.” The words escaped Carisi’s mouth before he could stop them. The words hung between them. Neither had referred to the other as boyfriend of even recognized that they were in a relationship. They slept together. They did not go on dates. They did not send cute text messages. They did not call each other to say good night. Barba stood up and began to put his jacket one. “Listen, if you’re embarrassed by my or this relationship or whatever it is just tell me, alright?”  
“I’m not embarrassed but I’m also not your boyfriend.” Barba shook his head. “I thought we were on the same page but I guess I was wrong.”


	3. Chapter 3

Barba went straight home after Carisi asked him to leave his apartment and began to remove any signs of their relationship from his apartment. He was surprised to realize how Carisi had managed to seep into his life in so many small ways; a couple of books, some t-shirts, a couple pairs of boxers and some ties. Barba methodically moved through his apartment and placed those items into a box. When it was done Barba was unsure of what to do. Most of his evenings over the past few months had been spent with Carisi. Barba told himself it was just the change in routine that was bothering him. He was just bored and not lonely. He did not miss Carisi. He could not miss Carisi. They had not been in a relationship. Barba sat down on his couch, poured himself a glass of scotch and send a text that he knew she shouldn’t be sending.   
When Barba woke up early Saturday morning he tried to get out of bed without waking up the person next to him. He was in the middle of making a pot of coffee when the sound of someone clearing their throat made him turn around. He saw Rita leaning against the doorway wearing a pair of his boxers and one of his t-shirts with a little grin on her face. “Morning, is there a cup for me?”  
“Yeah, of course.” Barba replied. “Listen, about last night. We should talk.”  
“No need,” Rita waved her hands. “Barba, it isn’t the first time we’ve woken up next to each other. It’s no big deal.” Rita was right. They had woken up next to each other many times since they had first slept together at twenty-two.   
They had met their first year of law school. They were friends but also fierce competitors and often found themselves in the middle of heated debates. When they had first slept together Barba had asked her out the next day, “Do you actually like me like that?” She had challenged and Barba couldn’t lie; he wasn’t romantically interested in her. Throughout law school they went through phases of hooking up but never dating. Rita had always been right – they didn’t like each other. Since graduating they would often go for years without doing anything and then would hook for a bit. A couple of months before Barba transferred to Manhattan had been the last time they had slept together and after his transfer they agreed that they couldn’t hook up. If someone found out their professionalism could be thrown into question. Yet, he had texted her that night and she had come. The two, somewhat awkwardly, drank a couple cups of coffee together before Rita left. Despite Rita’s insistence that it wasn’t a big deal Barba was left with a feeling of guilt. He tried to push out the voice that was telling him Rita wasn’t the reason he felt guilty.


	4. Chapter 4

Rafael could not help but feel like a kid again as he sat at his mother’s kitchen table while she made lunch. He was embarrassed to admit that it had been quite a long time since he had been to her apartment, his childhood apartment, but the truth was he didn’t like returning very often. While he would argue with anyone who questioned him and insist that he was proud of where he came from he didn’t return to the Bronx unless it was absolutely necessary. So when he showed up at his mother’s door that Sunday afternoon she was shocked. Lucia had insisted on making him lunch, “when was the last time you had a meal that didn’t come out of a take-out bag?” She had challenged and he didn’t fight her. For one, he loved his mother’s cooking but he also wanted to put her in a good mood. So, there he sat, in a nervous anticipation. He wondered why he was so nervous. He was forty-six years old. He argued in court for living. He looked in the eyes of rapists and murderers and never wavered. Yet, his mother still made him nervous, especially when it came to the topic that they had been purposefully avoiding for the past twenty years. It was time, he knew it was time, but that didn’t stop him from being nervous. Coming out, even in your forties, was a big deal. Though, Barba wasn’t sure if it actually counted as coming out if it wasn’t the first time he had done it.   
Lucia put down a plate in front of him and took a seat across the small wooden table. He thanked her and began to eat. Her cooking tasted just as good as it always had. For a few minutes they ate in silence as Barba tried to find a way to start to conversation. It wasn’t something that you just blurt out with no warning.   
“So, Rafi. Why are you here?” Lucia spoke.   
“I can’t come by for lunch with my mother?” He challenged.   
“You can … but you never do.” Lucia replied. “And, I know when something is on my son’s mind, so what is it?” Rafael put his fork down and took a deep breath.   
“Well, there is something I wanted to bring up actually.” His mother shot him a knowing look and he couldn’t help but roll his eyes a bit. “I’ve been seeing someone … well I was. I think I ruined it.”   
“Ah, heartbroken. I see, well who was it? That Benson woman?”  
“No, no Mami. I told you it’s not like that between the two of us.” Barba chose not to tell her that he once thought it could be “like that” between him and Olivia. Those days were in the past. Those feelings existed in a world before Tucker and before Carisi. Now, they were colleagues and friends, nothing else and Barba was okay with that.   
“Then who is this mystery woman?” Lucia asked.   
“One of the detectives I work with only … I was seeing a man.” The words came out of his mouth easier than he had expected them too. He looked into his mother’s eyes for any hint of a reaction but she just sat with a blank look on her face. “Mami, I know that you thought it was a phase when I was younger. That I was just confused and I know that I haven’t brought it up in a very, very long time but the truth is that I never stopped dating men. I just stopped telling you.” Silence hung between them for several moments.   
“You’ve been with women before.” Lucia finally broke the silence. “I did not raise a homosexual.”  
“No, you didn’t raise a homosexual. You raised a bisexual. It’s who I am and it’s not changing.” Barba stood up and gave his mother a quick kiss on the head. “Thank you for lunch.”


	5. Chapter 5

It had been a long week. Well, every week as an ADA felt long but this week was particularly so. A high profile case, a politician accused of raping an intern, meant that he had Benson pushing him to prosecute and the DA urging him to tread lightly and be completely sure before going in guns blazing. His conversation on the weekend with his mother still weighed heavy on his mind. He was already half-way home when he got a text from Rita: Since I’m not your opposing council I figured you could use some stress relief. Wine and take-out at my place? Barba was exhausted but he also didn’t love the idea of being home alone. So he asked her for the address and re-directed the cab to her place on the Upper East Side. He had never been to her place before but was unsurprised to see the neighbourhood it was in. While he was not exactly slumming it anymore Rita’s place was something else.   
“I see switching to the other side has paid off.” Barba quipped when Rita opened the door. She just rolled her eyes and him in. The loft was spacious and tastefully decorated. They two sat at her kitchen table where she had Thai food and wine waiting for them. They had spent several nights together since their relapse into hooking up nearly a month ago. It had always gone the same; one of them would text the other and then Rita would come over, they would maybe have a drink first but usually they just went straight to the bedroom. This was different but not unwelcome. They took their time eating dinner, sipping wine and chatting. They rehashed old cases that they had been on opposing sides and then reminisced about their time at Harvard Law together. It was pleasant. It was comfortable.   
Eventually, they moved to the couch and switched from wine to scotch. Rita moved closer to Barba. As a habit she usually made the first move. He was usually tentative at first and worried that he might be making someone want to do something she didn’t want to do. Rita put her hand on his thigh, leaned forward, and kissed his neck. Normally, this was a weak spot for him and she knew it but he shifted away this time. “Is everything okay?” Rita asked.   
“Yeah, I just …” Barba sighed. “I’m sorry, it’s been a really long week.”  
“Yeah, that case seems brutal. You know, when you work for the defence there is a lot less political pressure.”   
“Yeah, I know Rita.” Barba replied. “But, that’s not what’s bothering me. I mean, this case is hard but it’s not the case that’s on my mind.” Barba took another sip of scotch and looked away, embarrassed.   
“It’s that annoying detective turned wannabe lawyer isn’t it?”   
“What?”  
“Oh come on Barba. We’ve known each other since we were, what, twenty-two. I know you. Plus I overhead you making plans once at the courthouse.” She shrugged. Barba chuckled. He often forgot that he and Rita had known each other for so long. It may have been years since they were good friends but it was true. They had known each other for a long time and they had known each other well and not just because they slept together but because she was the first person he told that he was bisexual, because she had been there for him when he got his heart broken by some guy who went to the Harvard business school only days before the bar, and because he had been there for her too. There when she got divorced in their late twenties only two years after she got married because she was, first and foremost, married to the job. “So, what did you do to fuck it up this time?”   
“I …” Barba shrugged. “I was myself. I wouldn’t commit and he had enough.” Barba drained his scotch and was sure that one of the main reasons he was being so open was the alcohol. “I’ve done it so many times and it never mattered. I’d meet someone, we would see each other casually, they would ask for more and I’d say no. It didn’t matter but with him it … matters. I hate that.”  
“Look, I don’t get it. To me, the guy seems pretty annoying. I mean sure, he’s cute but … well it doesn’t matter what I think about him. What matters is that you clearly care about him and pretending you don’t and sleeping with me isn’t going to stop you from caring.”   
“Rita, it’s not that simple …”   
“Barba, the guy is obviously in love with you.” Rita smiled. “Now, you’re pretty drunk so I’m calling you a cab. Get some sleep, you look exhausted.”


	6. Chapter 6

Carisi was channel surfing, sipping a beer and enjoying having his feet up when the intercom buzzed. He had only been home for about a couple hours but it was pretty late. He had been working well after everyone else went home and it wasn’t until he got a text from Rollins saying that if he was still there she would kill him that he finally packed it in at around ten. He figured that the person on the other end was probably a deliver driver who got the apartment number wrong but regardless he dragged his tired body over. “Ya?”   
“Hi … it’s me.” A voice crackled through the other end. “It’s Rafael.” Carisi hesitated for a moment before he pushed the enter button.   
The moment that Carisi saw Barba he could tell that the man was a bit drunk. He was by no means falling over but it was obvious he had had a few more drinks than he normally did. It was rare to see Barba anything but completely composed. Even when they were sleeping together Barba seemed sure of himself and confident but as he stood in front of the detective he looked unsure of himself … vulnerable. Sonny invited the other man in and got him a glass of water. They sat on opposite ends of Sonny’s couch.   
“Did I wake you up?” Barba asked in an attempt to break the tension-filled silence that had fallen between them.   
“Nah, I worked late.” Carisi shrugged. “Are you alright?”  
“Yes. Why wouldn’t I be?”  
“Because you showed up randomly at my door kind of drunk in the middle of the night.” Carisi replied.   
“I just wanted you to know that … that I told my mother. I told her that I was, uhm had been, seeing uhm a man.” Carisi was genuinely surprised by the declaration. The fact that Barba had told his mother was surprising in and of itself but the fact that he was telling Carisi was the really shocking part. Barba had never talked about his sexuality. Carisi didn’t know how he identified, if he had been with other men before (though he assumed yes), or if Barba had ever even told anyone else. The fact was that they had never shared those stories. Carisi had wanted to but Barba had never shown any interest in hearing Carisi’s story and was clearly unwilling to share his own. Carisi had never pushed the matter. He knew the man better than that.   
“Wow, congrats.” Carisi wasn’t sure what to say.   
“It’s not that big of a deal. I told her before but we haven’t talked about it since I was younger. She thought it was a phase and had assumed I’d grown out of it.”  
“That’s hard Raf, I’m sorry. What did she say this time?”  
“Not much of anything. She clearly didn’t want to hear it.”   
“My Mom didn’t want to hear it either. At least not at first.” When Barba didn’t make a snarky comment to show his disinterest Carisi continued. “I was seventeen and she lost it. I mean, seriously she was horrified. She told me I was going to hell, she made me go talk to my pastor, who was actually pretty good, she told my sisters to try and convince me otherwise … it was really hard. I was miserable but my sisters they were great. They even took me to an LGBT youth group in the city and told me it was alright.”  
“But your Mom came around? What changed?”  
“I don’t know really. I think she saw that I wasn’t going to change and that I was happy and eventually she realized that ignoring it wasn’t going to change anything.”  
“You were brave for not just going back in the closet.”   
“I don’t know about that.”  
“No, you were. You still are brave.” Rafael placed his hand on Carisi’s and smiled warmly. Their lips touched.   
“So are you.” Carisi replied.   
“No, I’m –“  
“Stop, you are. You are brave. Believe me.” Carisi pressed his lips against Barba’s cheek.


End file.
